Tough vs Resilient
When raising our young people, it is sometimes easy to get confused between the meaning of the above two words. Yet, the meanings are very clear.
Tough (adj) able to endure hardship or pain, strong and prone to violence.
Resilient (adj) able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.
One (tough) means that we are raising our young to endure things which if inflicted by a stranger, we would be outraged and seeking retribution. The other (resilient) means that we are raising a young person who has enough resources in their tool box to bounce back from what life may throw at them.
Parents who aim to raise ‘tough’ children, often use the language failure, disappointment, harden up or it’s all in your head, toughen up. Parents who raise resilient children are more likely to use language which acknowledges hardship and difficulties and encourages reflection upon disappointments or failures as opportunities from which to learn and grow.
Young people who are raised to be tough, are often taught that their emotions and fears are irrelevant. That what is supposed to be their safe place to run to in times of difficulties or distress (their parents and mentors) are not safe. These young people are more likely to internalise their emotional states and are more likely to have low self-esteem and experience poor mental health in adulthood, lack confidence or turn to risky behaviours such as alcohol or drugs and self-harm to manage what they have been told is irrelevant, their feelings and fears.
Young people who are resilient still make mistakes and still fail. However, they are more likely to own their mistakes, develop healthy problem-solving skills, have confidence in themselves and those around them and know that when life does send them a curveball, then can pick themselves up and dust themselves off and they can turn to adults who are safe and predictable in their behaviours for comfort and support.
Competitive sports can be fun and a great place to learn and develop life skills, lifelong friendships and resilience. It is not a place to teach our young people to be tough, life will eventually do that for them as they enter into adulthood.
Pam Bubrzycki