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Know thyself

We often hear and speak a lot about values. 

19.01.2021 Member Wellbeing

Companies have value statements, advertisers play to what they deem to be our values, freedom, compassion, optimism, material wealth and creativity and anyone who has been through an employment application recently would have no doubt been asked a question about their personal values. So what are values, when do they help us and when can they cause us distress?

Values are our fundamental thoughts and beliefs which drive our behaviours. Our values are important to us and are often deal makers and breakers in any sort of relationship. Values are the things we hold dear, learned as we develop and engrained as we become independent adults. They help us determine our measure of what is right and wrong and guide us to behave in a way which aligns with our core beliefs. We admire value driven behaviours such as kindness, truth, honesty, integrity and respect. When reflecting on our own behaviours, alignment between our behaviour and our values make us feel proud of ourselves, improve our self-esteem and allow us to walk tall. We are attracted to others who share the same values, who think and act as we do. Yet, when we or others behave in a way that is incongruent with our values, we experience disappointment and distress and negative emotions such as guilt, shame and embarrassment which can impact our wellbeing. We’ve all done or witnessed something which did not sit well with us, kept us up at night or caused us to constantly justify our behaviours to self and others, trying to alleviate the inner pain. These are examples of when ours or others behaviours have gone against our values. We all know what this feels like and it is uncomfortable.

So how can we avoid this discomfort? One of the first things we need to do is to “know thyself!” Take some time to explore and understand your values. Can you recall a time when you have truly felt proud of yourself or when you have felt disappointed or upset with your own or others behaviour. Try to really understand what it was that made you feel or act in that way, see if you can name it in a few simple words. For those of us who are not so comfortable with self-exploration, another way to do this is to get a list of values (available off the internet) and pick what you believe are the 5 most important ones. By really narrowing it down, you will truly focus on what are your own deal makers and breakers. Once you know this about yourself, you can then look for what you value in others. Relationships at any age and stage are difficult and challenging but by knowing who you are, what is important to you and what is a deal or no deal, you are more likely to avoid some of the relationships pitfalls in life and to be able to be confident in knowing what matters to you. As always, the key here is to be kind to yourself and others. Allow yourself to make a mistake and for others to do the same.

Pam Bubrzycki